December 6
I am so happy! My boyfriend, Joe was in town this weekend. It was so amazing to see him. When I picked him up at the airport, I felt all nervous and shy for some reason, as if we’d just met, as if we hadn’t been talking on the phone for an hour nearly every night. I met him at baggage claim and we had a cliché airport reunion. I loved it. I took the weekend to show Joe around, take him to the park where I run and explore my neighborhood. It was so amazing to spend time with him, even when we were just sitting in the same room together reading. *sigh* And saying goodbye was easier than I’d have thought, knowing I’d be going to visit him in Chicago in less than 2 weeks. I can’t wait!
December 7
I lost my job.
I was supposed to resume my nanny work with a family tomorrow; I’d started right before Thanksgiving. Tomorrow I was going to start on a regular schedule. Instead, I got a call this evening. The husband called and said that they’d looked over everything and would no longer be needing my services. Just like that. He said he was sorry for the short notice but there was no need for me to come in the morning. No explanation. Was it finances? A disagreement between husband and wife? I don’t know, but once again, after thinking it was all under control, I am job hunting again. How depressing.
December 10
I’m calling about jobs, emailing about jobs, interviewing for jobs. Since I’ve moved here it seems it’s almost all I do. I thought it’d be easier, but I am the poorest I’ve ever been. When I moved out here, I didn’t think finding a job would be this hard. I’ve always held multiple freelance jobs as a teacher, sitter/nanny, actor, singer, whatever I could find in my niche. I am known among my friends as a kick-ass job hunter. But California (and the whole country) is in trouble and everyone is feeling it. It’s trickling down so that families can’t afford to hire childcare anymore, arts programs aren’t hiring. I was overconfident in my ability to find something down here and I am struggling now. I am very lucky to have a family that is supportive who won’t let me starve.
December 13
I am so thankful for every penny that comes along right now. Yesterday I did some audience work. I was only called in for 3 hours. Then we had to wait in line outside to get paid. It was cold and pouring rain. We waited in line for at least 20 minutes, shivering and grumbling, waiting for our minimum wage earnings. Could they make it any more degrading?
Today though, I had a couple of on-call sitting jobs. It felt SO GOOD to be working. And I got to drive over to Pacific Palisades (which is gorgeous). I got to drive up and down the hills catching glimpses of the ocean at the top and the elaborate houses at the bottom. LA traffic is not nearly as horrendous as I’d expected. Granted, I don’t work a nine-to-five job, so I usually avoid the worst of the morning and afternoon rush hours. Also, if I end up in slow traffic, what do I care? I have lots of time to kill these days! And it gives me a chance to explore the city, to drive slowly and to look at how things connect. I’ll often reroute my GPS to avoid the highway so I can drive through a new canyon road and see how the streets all line up, where they all lead to. See? As frustrated as I am right now, I must be doing okay if I can find the silver lining in LA traffic! At least, it’s what I keep telling myself.
December 14
I sucked it up today and went to register for Central Casting. I found a call-in agency that charges per booking instead of a monthly fee so I figured I’d give it a go for now. If I’m not doing anything else, I can work as an extra for a few months until something better comes along. I went and had a drink with my boss this evening after teaching. It was such a nice boost. She’s such a positive person and so knowledgeable about the business. She said she’s try to give me a couple referrals after the new year. We talked about the classes we’re teaching, classes to take and debated acting techniques. I found it so refreshing to be talking about acting and teaching instead of my qualification. qualifications and rates like I’ve been constantly doing this week job hunting. Thanks for the boost, Diane!
December 15
I had an audition for a film today. I felt like it went well. Tomorrow night, I’m flying out to see Joe and my Chicago crew for a week. After that, I’m on to Michigan to spend Christmas with my family. I can’t wait. I need a break. Even though I don’t have everything lined up work-wise for when I return, I just need to stop thinking about it for a bit and stop being so stressed. There is only so much I can do.
The week of December 16 - December 22 What a terrific week! I am so glad to be back in Chicago. I got in at 5AM Thursday morning after an overnight flight. Joe picked me up, brought me my winter gear and we had another airport cliché reunion. We got some fresh bagels from our favorite shop and immediately went back to bed. I can’t sleep at all on planes.
Thursday and Friday we pretty much stayed in together, relaxed, hung out.
Over the weekend we attended a couple holiday parties. At one in particular, there was a lot of discussion about family, the dysfunction in a lot of them, and it made me very very thankful for what I have. Friday night, I met with two of my best girls, Beth and Sarah, for a college flashback dinner at IHOP. Beth recently separated from her husband and moved into her own place. I commented that what she was doing was very brave, a term people have used with my move as well. “I don’t feel brave” she said. My reply was “I think brave from the inside is scared.” It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, “being brave”.
I have another girlfriend, Jamie, whom I also visited. She, too, recently left a long-term relationship, and had just moved into a place of her own this weekend. It was a very “brave” step to take. But I know it was terrifying for her too. I guess one definition of brave is “being scared and pushing forward anyway”. I’ll try to remember that.
December 23 I’m on my way to Michigan to see my family. Joe left for New Hampshire this morning. He got up and left his house early and I spent the morning there by myself. It was weird and sad. We don’t have a specific date planned to see each other next and as a chronic planner it makes me a bit squirmy. We did have a wonderful talk though about how to make this long distance thing work so mostly I feel happy and glowy and I know I’ll see him soon.
I grabbed a copy of Real Simple magazine before I got on the train because I saw an article about saving money. I'm practically laughing out loud because the ideas just don't apply to me: "Cut out the movie channels in your cable subscription." Cable!? Ha! I'm hoping one day very soon to be able to afford a TV! I guess they assume people reading these articles are actually spending some money! I think I should be writing these articles. I'm becoming an expert in frugality.
I’m eager to get home. My Mom goes all out at Christmas and I know that I’ll be coming home to a fire in the fireplace and the glow of well-decorated Christmas tree. A glass of wine and a long chat with my family will probably be included as well. I’m looking forward to being back in the safety and comfort of my childhood home for a week to regroup.
December 26 The past few days have been lovely. I got to hang out with my brother and his girlfriend, as well as with my best friend and her husband. It’s been very relaxing. I’ve also spent a lot of time soaking in the hot tub as the snow floats down and the moon peeks at me from between the clouds. Two hoot owls are flirting with each other in the darkness and the wind chimes are ringing out in the breeze. It’s so peaceful.
December 28
I’m starting to get a little wound up as I start thinking about going back to LA. I have had a couple emails come in regards to jobs in the past day or so which should feel great but is taking me back into that scrambling, worrying mind set. And I’m dreading New Year’s Eve. I will get back to LA that morning and have no idea what my plans are yet. Joe is going be in Georgia with friends. I’m disappointed we won’t be together. This is a weird New Years for me. Last year on New Years, I was leaving a long term live-in relationship and making a huge change in my life. This last year has been awful, really painful and hard. It’s been a year full of difficult changes.
December 31
After far too many long hours of travel, I finally step off my plane in LAX. The moment the California sun hit my face, I let out a sigh of relief and all my apprehension about coming back disappeared. Yes, this is where I should be ringing in 2010. This is where I'm supposed to be.
2009 has been a roller coaster year. I’ve reinvented my life at least twice; on January 1st, 2009 I made the decision to leave a stalled relationship and started living alone in Chicago; and then again in October when I moved to LA. I've given up a lot in pursuit of my dream but if I had the chance to do it over, I wouldn't change a thing.
In order to remodel your house, you have to tear down the old walls. I think that's what I'm doing: I've torn everything down, uprooted my life to start over from scratch and am building my dream life. And of course it's hard. But you know what? I am starting to see a glimmer, starting to be able to picture what my life will look like if I just keep at it. And I intend to keep at it for as long as it takes.
