By Chris Neumer

Having called ahead to schedule an appointment with Melaina, I figured that I wouldn’t have to spend much time waiting. I was wrong.

I entered Melaina’s house/place-of-business, closed the door behind me and sniffed at the incense filled air. I could hear a woman–Melaina?–chattering on the phone in a back room behind a purple curtain. The woman sounded very locquatious and pleasant. I eased down into a golden couch in the living room/waiting room. Ten minutes passed before Melaina popped her head out from behind the curtain and almost whispered, "Just a sec, hon." Another ten minutes passed before she re-emerged, now wearing a bubshka and talking like a German Tallulah Bankhead.

"Follow me, dahlink," Melaina said in her now heavy accent. I followed her into the back room and sat down in the wicker chair she pointed at. "You came about movies..." Melaina said mysteriously.

"I told you that on the phone," I said, not impressed as of yet. I continued, "I brought four videos that I had wanted you to look at and, using your psychic abilities, tell me whether the movies are any good. If you could tell me that a movie is going to be terrible before I see it, like The Skulls, it would really help."

"This will require usage of all my seven senses," Melaina said, rubbing her hands together. She took the first video from me; a copy of American Beauty.

She looked at the box cover for a moment, closed her eyes and began to rub the video. "This film is mesmerizing," Melaina said slowly.

"It says that on the cover," I pointed out.

"I sense that it did well at the Academy Awards," Melaina declared again.

"It says that on the cover too."

"Hand me the next video, child." So I handed her a copy of the not-yet-released Heather Graham indie, Committed. Melaina studied the box cover and then closed her eyes again. "This movie is sexy?"

"Is that a question?" I asked.

"No," Melaina said sharply. "This is sexy." She put the cassette down and looked at me. "Next video."

"So that movie is only ‘sexy’?" I questioned.

"It is not a good time in the moon’s cycle for detailed readings on this movie," Melaina told me.

I handed her the next video; the box cover was of Double Jeopardy, a hideous movie, but the tape inside the box was of The Straight Story, a stellar film. I wondered if the change in tapes would throw off the reading.

Melaina rubbed the Double Jeopardy box for a moment, then eyed me. "Something is funny here," she said. Funny sounded like ‘vunny’. And she shook the tape out of the box, looking at me the whole time. She glanced down. "I knew it. You were trying to trick Melaina." She had a confident grin plastered across her face. I had a look of utter disbelief on mine.

"How did you–"

"Melaina knows all, child," she declared. "Next video."

"But you–"

"When you try to trick Melaina, that reading will not be finished."

I nodded and handed her the final video; a copy of Drive Me Crazy, wrapped entirely in brown paper.

Melaina shot me a glance. "What is this movie?" What was ‘vut’.

"You’re the psychic," I said, eager to stump her after her last displa.html>spla.html>spla.html>spla.html>splay of ESP.

Melaina started to rub the brown paper, training her gaze on me, not the video. "You like... don’t like... like this movie," she finally said.

"Yes but no..." I replied.

"Don’t get smart with me," she said, minus the accent. Her accent returned and she turned her attention back to the video. "I think this is a film starring someone about your age," she said. "A girl, maybe."

"A girl, maybe?" I repeated.

"She is infatuated with a boy and learns in the end that the boy isn’t right for her." I thought of the movie’s boy: Brad Seldon.

I could hear the phone ring in the back room again. "No more videos?" Melaina asked.

I shook my head, wondering why she hadn’t sensed that fact with her seventh sense.

"Twenty dollars," Melaina said, eager to get the phone. She looked at me and smiled. "Now, you’re thinking that I told you ten dollars on the phone," she grinned.

"You are pretty good," I admitted, handing her a ten dollar bill.

I still don’t know how Melaina knew about The Straight Story tape in the Double Jeopardy box or how she had picked out that plot strand from Drive Me Crazy, but I did learn one thing: for now I’m stuck actually watching the movies.