If you’re curious to know how big The Simpsons Movie is going to be, consider the fact that four months before its theatrical opening on July 27th, The Simpsons Movie is making headline news in media outlets because of the way the film is going to changed the way Americans will look at our cultural institutions and because of the way the project has already managed to impact the political landscape of the country. Lofty accomplishments for a dysfunctional family who is best known for their comically gigantic missteps.

The Simpsons Movie is affecting the way we look at certain things because certain things are going to be changing their names to promote the movie. Eleven of the United States’ more than 4,700 7-11 stores are going to (temporarily, I would assume) change their names to that of Kwik-E-Mart and be outfitted with a Simpsons’ style Kwik-E-Mart facade. There is no word on whether or not all clerks at these 11 stores will be rechristened Apu, required to work 96 hours in a row and be forced into an arranged marriage with a woman who sounds like an old cast member of Saturday Night Live.

Not content to stop there, 7-11 corporate announced that these 11 ‘new’ Kwik-E-Marts would also sell three products that were heretofore completely fictional and found only within the confines of The Simpsons animated world: Squishees, KrustyO’s cereal and Buzz Cola. The squishees are going to taste surprisingly like slurpees, given that only the name of the beverage will change, not the contents. KrustyO’s will probably be a generic cereal product made specifically for 7-11 that will look surprisingly like Cheerios. As for Buzz Cola, it’s anybody’s guess, but hopefully it will taste better than RC. Most interestingly though is that there aren’t any plans to sell Springfield’s most famous make believe product, that of Duff Beer.

This marketing plan to change 7-11s to Kwik-E-Marts is bringing The Simpsons Movie a large amount of pre-release press. From this perspective, it’s fairly easy to understand why Fox would be behind the partnership. Initially, it seems as though it’d be a good thing for 7-11 as well; just ask yourself when the last time was that you read a story about 7-11 stores that didn’t involve a double homicide or attempted kidnapping. However, giving the matter even a little critical thought reveals one glaring truth: the higher-ups at 7-11 cannot possibly be fans of Groening’s classic comedy series. If they were, they’d probably have thought better of a plan than to ally their own chain of convenience stores with The Simpsons Kwik-E-Mart, a chain that could honestly be called the worst grocery/convenience store anywhere on the planet, narrowly beating out Sadr City’s 24-7 Food Hut.

Consider:

• The Kwik-E-Mart’s most notable employee, Apu, has actually ended conversations with customers who have just purchased food from him by saying, "If you survive, please come again."

• The Kwik-E-Mart offers reductions on expired baby food.

• Homer Simpson once got salmonella after eating at the Kwik-E-Mart.

• Apu charges $1.85 for 29¢ stamps, $4.20 for $2.00 worth of gas and states that his penny candy is "surprisingly expensive".

• The Kwik-E-Mart sells hot dogs that are so old Apu considers them "ornamental". One time, he attempts to sell a hot dog that has a band-aid attached to it.

• Apu states that, "On this job, you will be shot at."

• And lastly, Apu changes the dates on expired dairy products rather than throw them away.

Yup, just the kind of image with which I’d want to associate my own chain of convenience stores.

Onto the political side of things…

One of the longest running jokes of The Simpsons is the lack of information about where the show takes place. Yes, it takes place in Springfield, USA, but the exact location of Springfield is shrouded in mystery (a comprehensive examination of where this might be can be found here: http://www.snpp.com/guides/springfield.list.html). When characters look at maps of Springfield or of their area, other characters "accidentally" and conveniently get in the viewer’s way. The Simpsons Movie promises to end all the speculation (ignore for the time being that the Simpsons’ home state has a capital city called, of all things, Capital City, which kind of rules out all 50 of the states). The producers have stated that they have picked a particular state and are giving it to Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Since Groening grew up on a street called Evergreen Terrace in Oregon, near a city of Springfield, many people automatically assume that The Simpsons is set in the beaver state. The producers are conceding nothing though.

In order to generate more publicity, studio executives have agreed to hold the movie’s premiere in one of the United States’ many Springfields. The catch is that Fox wants the individual Springfields to compete for the honor of hosting the premiere.

Enter Chad Pergram, a reporter for Capitol News Connection. Pergram had the entertainingly good idea to ask different members of Congress who represent districts that have Springfields what their take on the The Simpsons home state is. Responses ranged from the excited, to the surreal, to the career threatening.

Oregon congressman, Peter DeFazio stated that he lived in Springfield and went so far as to say that the Simpsons lived down the street from him. DeFazio’s fellow Oregonian congressman, David Wu, stated that he felt that Oregon’s Springfield was the one because "Groening bases a lot of his characters on Oregon."

DeFazio is considering making a run at the Senate in the next election and it certainly wouldn’t push away any potential voters to court The Simpsons Movie premiere.

Suffice it to say, Ohio’s Springfield probably isn’t going to be the one with the premiere. Ever the politician (translation: completely out of touch with pop culture and extremely hesitant about voicing an opinion about anything), Ohio Congressman Sherrod Brown said, "It’s cartoons, right? If [Homer Simpson] is a good guy, he lives in Springfield [Ohio]. If he’s kind of nuts, he doesn’t."

Seriously, at this point in time, can there really be a public figure who doesn’t know if The Simpsons is an animated television show? Should someone who doesn’t know this bit of information really be active in American politics? If I was going to run against Brown in the next election, you can be sure that I’d be doing everything in my power to secure the tape of him asking the question of whether or not The Simpsons is a cartoon. My first commercial would show Brown deliberating over whether The Simpsons was a cartoon and would finish off with the statement: Vote for Chris Neumer. He doesn’t have to debate about what his constituents want… or whether The Simpsons is an animated TV show. Do you really want to vote for somebody who has to ponder these things? (Paid for by Citizens for Neumer).

Brown’s Ohio colleague, David Hobson, went even farther by stating of The Simpsons, "My daughters don’t allow their children to watch it." And would it be thrilling to get the premiere of an enormous blockbuster movie, Mr. Hobson? "I’m not really excited about the Hollywood types," he commented.

That sound you hear is Brown and Hobson’s popularity among younger votes whooshing down the drain.

Question of the Week
THE QUESTION: I saw Hollywoodland recently and realized that the title of the movie was a reference to the original Hollywood sign. What happened to the last four letters of that famous sign? - Justin H. via e-mail

THE ANSWER:The Hollywood sign is the most famous landmark in Los Angeles. It’s one of the few groupings of letters anywhere in the world that actually has its own web-site, www.hollywoodsign.org… not that you can find any noteworthy information on said site, but I digress. The Hollywoodland sign was originally constructed in 1923 as an advertisement for the Hollywoodland housing development. No one really figured that the sign would be around for that long and it was not built to last.

The initial sign had thousands of light bulbs on it so that it could be seen at night. In 1939, the real estate developers who had erected the sign sixteen years earlier decided to stop maintenance on it. Roughly two years later, a drunk driver ran into the ‘H’ and it came crashing down. By 1949, the once glamorous sign was run down and ready to be sold as scrap. This was when the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce (HCC) decided to step up to the plate and take control of the sign. The HCC agreed to take financial responsibility of the sign and repair it, but under one condition. In order to keep their costs more manageable, the Chamber wanted to remove the last four letters of the sign. And like that, the L-A-N-D of the Hollywoodland was gone.

Since very few people are aware of this bit of Hollywood trivia, filmmakers have occasionally offered their own interpretation of the removal of the L-A-N-D. Steven Spielberg had John Belushi’s "Wild Bill" Kelso crash his plane into the last four letters in 1941 and Joe Johnston had flaming debris from a blimp explosion knock them down in his movie, The Rocketeer. Given the timeline of the Hollywoodland sign—namely that it no longer existed in 1949—it’s strange to consider that Universal titled their film about events taking place in 1959, Hollywoodland.

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