WORST MOVIE: In a change of pace for me, I actually had to stop and think about this category for a minute. Not because there were so many movies to choose from, but, rather, because there were so few… that I saw. Sadly, this doesn’t mean that Hollywood is releasing more quality projects, it means that I’m getting much better at steering away from the likes of Land of the Lost and Transformers 2. That said, one movie I couldn’t avoid crashing into was the depressingly ugly and horrifically empty Wolverine. At the beginning of the first X-Men, audiences unfamiliar with the comics books upon which the movies was based, didn’t know much about Logan/Wolverine. He was a loner, had bad facial hair and his bones were reinforced with an almost indestructible metal. More on this in a moment. After watching the entirety of Wolverine’s origin, I feel like I now know how his bones were reinforced with an almost indestructible metal.
Ryan Reynolds’ near cameo was bad, yes,* but what really separated Wolverine from the bad movie crowd was the complete lack of connection I felt with any of the characters. There is a fine line between brooding superhero and total asshole and director XXX and star Hugh Jackman fell on the wrong side of that line here. Who could believe that summer would be home to a vacuous, big-budget, studio action film with no character development?
* setting him up for his own origins tale in a few years, I would guess.
Best Acting Performance: Sacha Baron Cohen in Bruno
It’s an annual ritual for me; February rolls around, I start hearing people talking about how amazing fill-in-the-blank’s performance in whatever biopic they’re starring in and I get really annoyed. I mention five other acting performances from the year that should be renowned for their supremely competent portrayals and am met with a host of blank faces. Then I get more annoyed.
Acting is not imitation. Acting is not simply good when an audience member can recognize speech patterns or individual tics that they’ve seen before on someone on The Tonight Show. Acting is an art form where actors believably deliver emotions on cue while hitting their marks and making sure they’re not standing in front of their co-stars. And this is amazingly hard to do… particularly when complex, level 2 emotions are involved (“Your character is really depressed at heart, but she camouflages this by outwardly appearing cold and distant. In this scene, we want a little bit of her sadness to come through while she’s trying to hold firm.”) Lisa Kudrow’s performance in director Scott Prendergast’s film Kabluey is a perfect example of genuinely great, organic acting.
Worst Acting Performance: XXXXXXXXXX
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
Biggest Surprise: The Hangover
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
Best Off-Screen Decision: Paramount Goes Global with G.I. JoeSince I’m in my early thirties, I was a big fan of the cartoon show G.I. Joe. It was required viewing for all boys between the ages of 5-12 at the time. The one thing that stood out about G.I. Joe was how American the Joes were. They were, as the theme song suggested repeatedly, “All-American heroes”. It wasn’t simply that they were part of the United States military or that the credits were in red, white and blue, but the American flag was part of the show’s title! The Joes flex their muscle while standing in front of the American flag. The show was even called G.I.Joe: An All American Hero. Granted it’s a little unwieldy, but the intent was clear. G.I. Joe was American. And not simply American, all American. I mention this because, interestingly, there was one element conspicuously missing from Paramount’s G.I. Joe ad campaign: the whole “American” part. In the trailer, a British super villain sent his Asian henchman to fire a chemical at the Eiffel Tower, eliciting the anger of General Hawk, who puts together a collection of special operatives from all over the world to strike back. Think about that: terrorists attacked the French—THE FRENCH!—and that triggered G.I. Joe to get to work.
All joking aside, the decision to make G.I. Joe global did wonders for the Paramount bottom line. While Joe has only grossed $132 million domestically,* it has pulled in $123 million worldwide and that is nothing to sneeze at. There’s no telling how much lower that worldwide number would have been if the Joes had all been American.
* It feels weird using the word ‘only’ in correlation with a movie that has grossed $132 million, but since Paramount spent $175 million making the movie and an estimated $75 million marketing the film, ‘only’ gets put into play.
The Worst Off-Screen Decision: XXXXXXXXXXX
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
Most Peculiar Release Date, Part One: Anchor Bay
Anchor Bay released the DVD of the movie Spring Break on August 18th
Most Peculiar Release Date, Part Two: Dimension Films
Not to be out done, Dimension released the Rob Zombie horror film Halloween 2 to theaters on August 28th.
Honorable Mentions for the "Do You Know Who You're Sending This To?" Award: Bruno
As a national magazine that is listed in almost all of the directories of North America publications, we get sent a lot of press releases. Some of them actually are pertinent to what we write about. This doesn’t stop a lot of publicists from including us in their e-mail blasts about topics that we couldn’t write about if we actually wanted to. How does a film magazine write something about saving the manatees? As usual, this summer, we got a lot of press releases that didn’t pertain to anything remotely involving the film world or the entertainment industry. The three runner-ups to the “Do You Know Who You’re Sending This To” Award go to:
• The press release trumpeting that “Columbus Dispatch writers win Eugene S. Pulliam First Amendment Award for reporting on FERPA”
• The press release from Gibson Guitars Latin Bureau with the headline that read: “Un ícono de los sesenta anuncia lanzamiento de la campaña “Amo mi SG”
• And the press release that informed us that “One-Stop Gift Registry Becomes Reality as New Website Takes Stress Out of Wedding, Party Planning”
The "Do You Know Who You're Sending This To?" Award: Hall Public Relations
The winner of the “Do You Know Who You’re Sending This To” award though is the one from Hall Pr, representing New York City’s Olana Restaurant. The headline of the press release read: Introducing the “JoBroChoco (That’s Just the Way They) Shake”
Yup, Olana is busting out a special milkshake that was originally created for the Jonas Brothers that features, among other things, dark chocolate fondue, fudge brownies, and chocolate chips. Oh yeah, and milk and ice cream. The Whitest Movie of the Summer: Public Enemies
Interestingly, I thought of this award while looking at the cast listing of Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. There were country clubs in the fifties in the Florida panhandle that weren’t as white as the team behind Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It starred Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner, co-starred Breckin Meyer, Michael Douglas, Lacey Chabert and Anne Archer and had supporting players in Emma Stone, Robert Forster and Christa B. Allen. The film’s director is Mark Waters, its screenwriters are the team of Jon Lucas and Scoot Moore and the lead character’s name is “Connor Mead”. I thought it would be impossible to beat this lineup… until I looked at Public Enemies.
Of the 54 actors in Public Enemies who have headshots on imdb.com, 52 of them are white. Making this fact even worse is the fact that one of the two men of color is credited with playing the part of “doorman”.
Public Enemies stars Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, Channing Tatum and Marion Cotillard, co-stars Giovanni Ribisi, Stephen Dorff, Billy Crudup, Emilie de Ravin, features supporting actors Stephen Lang, Shawn Hatosy, Leelee Sobieski, Lili Taylor and Rory Cochrane and a singing appearance by Diana Krall. Throw in writer/director Michael Mann, co-writer Ann Biderman and Ronan Bennett and we’re looking at a production team that might make the Klan slightly uncomfortable.
A Random Bit of Trivia Involving Kevin Costner
During his career in Hollywood, Costner has played characters named Jake, John, Jimmy, Jay, Jim, Joe, Jack, James and John (again). He’s also played characters named Bud, Brooks, Ben, Beau, Billy, Blake, Butch, Bonner and Barnes.
The Most, Uh, Interesting Looking Cast: I Sell the Dead
Wow, Ron Perlman and Larry Fessenden in the same movie? Thank God Luis Guzman wasn’t available.
The "What the Hell is Going On?!?!" Award: Management
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
The "I Don't Know What To Thing" Award: Sam Worthington
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
The "Just When I Thought You Couldn't Get Any More Shallow, You Somehow Manage to Drain A Little Bit More From the Pool" Award: Nia Vardalos
In 2007, I named Nia Vardalos the biggest one hit wonder Hollywood had had in the last twenty years. Who knew that there was another significant step down from there?
Vardalos has been flying off the radar for the last five years. Between May 2004 and May 2009, literally the only credit to her name, writing, acting, producing or otherwise comes from guest starring on three episodes of something called My Boys.
This summer marked the released of not one, but two new Vardalos joints, My Life in Ruins and I Hate Valentine’s Day. Total combined budgets? $20 million. Total combined box office take? $8 million.
However, that doesn’t quite paint the true picture of the depressing nature of Vardalos’ summer projects.
My Life in Ruins was a blatant attempt to recapture the magic of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Sadly, that magic is holding up about as well as the birthers’ argument that Barack Obama is Kenyan. The reaction most Americans now have to My Big Fat Greek Wedding isn’t, “They should make a sequel”, but rather, “Jesus Christ, what were we thinking? Who ever thought that Windex joke was funny?”
And so, My Life in Ruins came and went with the speed of a teenage criminal in a Ferrari. Land of the Lost was debatably the biggest flop of the summer, with a box office take of under $50 million. The movie earned reviews that teetered between ‘horrible’ and ‘the seventh circle of hell’. Even so, Land of the Lost pulled in roughly $5,400 per theater its opening weekend. My Life in Ruins pulled in $2,700 per theater.
Then came I Hate Valentine’s Day.
I Hate Valentine's Day's performance at the box office made My Life in Ruins' performance look Spielbergian by comparison. It opened in only three theaters in America and earned $1,670 per theater. Assuming that ticket prices are $12 apiece, that means that approximately 139 people paid money to see the movie opening weekend in each theater. That, of course, translates to 46 people per day and, assuming there were five showings of the film each day, less than ten people at each showing.
Imagine you’re Vardalos. Imagine you spend months on end working on a script, turn it into a movie that you also star in. The movie opens over Fourth of July weekend. You peak your head into a showing on opening night, see the theater 95% empty… and learn that that was the best house of the weekend.
Career wise, I’m pitting Vardalos against anyone, up to and including Lindsay Lohan at this point in time. The woman has a knack for simply wretchedly received projects. It’s uncanny.
Best Poster: Star Trek
There is something pleasant about this Star Trek poster. In spite of the fact that it represents a loud, explosion filled, summer action flick, the poster is almost serene. It really does evoke a simpler time. Printed in black and white, the one sheet of the Enterprise entering warp speed is crisp and refreshingly original despite its overall fuzziness. If Paramount was looking to add class and elegance to its revival of Star Trek, this poster did wonders in getting them close to that goal.
Honorable Mention Worst Poster: Terminator Salvation
I was in LA when the marketing blitz for Terminator Salvation went into full effect. The first time I saw the T4 poster, I had one reaction: what is that robot doing with a T-shirt cannon? There were no two ways about it, the creature in the poster was holding the same type of air cannon that promotional teams use to fire rolled up T-shirts into the crowds at sporting events.
Then I started wondering why the terminator was wearing gloves.
As I’ve written many times before, the purpose of a film’s poster is to generate interest in a project. This particular poster actually turned me off to Terminator Salvation. A) I wasn’t sure why the bad guy was so prominently featured on all the marketing materials and B) who the hell was he going to be shooting T-shirts at?
Worst Poster: Management
Samuel Goldwyn Films released their romantic comedy, Management, to a grand total of 212 theaters back in May. During its opening weekend, Management grossed a whopping $375,000. That’s $1,775 per theater. Yeah, I know, Nia Vardalos numbers. There’s only one difference: Management starred JENNIFER FUCKING ANISTON!
What? You didn’t know that? Amazing. Maybe it’s because the photo of ‘Aniston’ on the poster doesn’t look anything like her? Could that be?
In all honesty, when I initially saw Management’s poster, I wondered who was in it. When I saw it starred Aniston and Zahn, I couldn’t believe that the marketing wizards over at Samuel Goldwyn decided to promote this fact by having the two stars facing away from the camera. We only get the back of Zahn’s head; that works if you’re Matt Damon, notsomuch if you’re Steve Zahn. ‘Aniston’ is looking over her shoulder slightly, but this move is completely countered by the fact that the woman in the photo doesn’t even remotely look like Jennifer Aniston.
Of all the times to have the lead actress alone on the poster in front of luggage, this was it. My God…
* It also starred Steve Zahn, but that’s not something that I have to yell and swear about.
Best Ripoff of an Old Poster: Fragments
Hello, It’s the Rage. How are you? Great. Looking good, looking good. Say, where did you get that design? Uh huh. No, I’m not thinking of going there. What!? That’s crazy. Um, what’s the phone number? I mean, just in case.
The Most Ridiculous Creation: Adamantium
Technically this is a type of fictional metal that was created for the X-Men comic book, but it lands here because of its near supporting role in Wolverine. That almost indestructible metal that Logan has fused to his bones? Adamantium.
There’s no problem with that until you break it down: Adam. Ant. Ium.
What, Wangchungium was already taken?
The "How Did You Make that for $5 Million?" Award: Moon
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
Worst New Trend: The Belief that Adding/Subtracting the Word 'The' from a Previously Existing Film Title Will be a Good Title for a Sequel
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
The Forgotten Story Award: Wolverine
On April 1, a pretty near final cut of Fox’s $100 million summer tentpole release, Wolverine, hit them Internet tubes. Fox was pissed. The MPAA was pissed. Together, they got the FBI involved and the Feds were pissed. Everyone vowed to get to the bottom of the matter. This wasn’t just another bootleg, it was the best quality bootleg the world had seen. And it wasn’t just a high quality bootleg, it was a high quality bootleg of one of the summer’s five biggest movies. This was the type of bootleg the industry had feared. It seemed like it was just a matter of time before someone was hung in from a street lamp in Beverly Hills for this indiscretion. On April 3, Fox chairman Tom Rothman told Entertainment Weekly that “Fox and the FBI are zeroing in on the culprits”
On April 7, the FBI announced they had no suspects.
Nothing has been made of the matter since. And I mean nothing. If you can find a story on Wolverine’s leak after April that I didn’t write, I want to read it.
This is an amazing story that no one is talking about.
The "How Didn't I Hear About This Movie?" Award: The Battle for Terra
Suppose I told you that a movie came out this summer featuring Chris Evans, Dennis Quaid, Luke Wilson, Evan Rachel Wood, Amanda Peet, Justin Long, Danny Glover, James Garner, Brian Cox and Ron Perlman. You wouldn’t believe me, would you? Well, the movie in question was The Battle for Terra and it was released to more than 1,000 theaters on May 1. You may have missed it while downloading Wolverine. Which leads me to…
Honorable Mention for The Saddest Number of Summer: $934
Somehow, despite opening on 1,160 screens, Battle for Terra only grossed a million dollars its first weekend. That’s $934 per theater. Nia Vardalos is making fun of those numbers. The Saddest Number of Summer: $22
The Battle for Terra played in one theater during the weekend of August 7-9. That weekend it grossed a total of $22. That’s two tickets.
Honorable Mention Best Title: I Hate Valentine's Day and War Eagle, Arkansas
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
Best Title: Naked Ambition: An R-Rated Look at an X-Rated Industry
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
Worst Title: Kambakkht Ishq
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
The Feel Bad Story of Summer: Jake Gyllenhaal runs Fast
I went. I saw. I laughed harder than I can remember laughing at any movie since Dumb and Dumber. It’s doubtful that this alone will make director Larry Charles’ film an endeavor that anyone would call a critical success—not to mention, if the movie had a plot, I missed it—but Bruno was comedy at it’s best.
