Ron Jeremy is the busiest man in America. When I met with him in December at Chicago's House of Blues Hotel, he hadn't been to sleep in nearly two days. So he more than made up for it during our interview. Falling asleep on me repeatedly, it became a source of amusement to both Jeremy and me. What was funnier yet was when Jeremy would fall asleep in the middle of a sentence. More than one good topic of conversation died that in that way. I'd kick Jeremy, he'd wake up, and answer the last question he could remember, a question that I asked five minutes previously and that we had already covered in depth. I was later told that Jeremy had fallen asleep on a reporter from the Chicago Tribune the day before my interview (I wasn't boring the hell out of Jeremy). The Tribune reporter had gotten fairly mad at Jeremy for doing so, constantly telling him that he wasn't supposed to fall asleep during an interview. Interestingly, both Porn Star's director, Scott Gill, and producer, Kirt Efkahar, were around--the first thing on my tape is Jeremy calling Gill an asshole--but neither stayed for the interview.

RON JEREMY: [to director Scott Gill] Asshole. Thank God you left Adam Rifkin's comments in the movie. Thank God. Adam's my fan. I'm surprised you didn't cut him out (laughs) This is all going to be in his article, you know. Of course it is, I don't blame him either.

RON JEREMY: Hey, we're all friends here, you can suck anything you like.

RON JEREMY: You always want an exciting beginning though.

RON JEREMY: Yeah. (sits down on floor) Here, I'll do this. More comfortable anyway.

RON JEREMY: I feel even better now. I always enjoy Chicago. I've been here many times in the past when I host the Miss Nude Galaxy Pageant and Miss Nude North America in Roselawn Indiana. You get like 120 naked girls and 30 naked guys all competing for the titles and you get celebrities who host shows in there. Grandpa Munster, Kid Rock, Corey Fieldname was there one year. Jonathon Davis from Corn. We got Gene Simmons, Jacque G from Digital Underground, the Nelson Twins?/P>

CHRIS NEUMER: Wait, Jacque G, he once got busy in a Burger King bathroom, didn't he?

RON JEREMY: Yup?That's actually the song, isn't it? How does it go?

RON JEREMY: Yeah, yeah. Then he goes 'lyrical, empirical, a miracle whip, just like butter, my rhymes are legit, I'm Humpty? So we had him. Sam Kinnison was going to go, but he died, so Malika went, his widow, and flashed her tits for the first time publicly. So the Ponderosa has always been a really good thing for me. Fifteen years I've been doing that show. And you were barely sperm when I started.

RON JEREMY: I'm sorry I was late. I was on the Mancow show. He had us on for the entire show. He gave us 2 1/2 hours both days, he's a good guy, you know?

RON JEREMY: If he doesn't he'll give you three minutes, I guess.

RON JEREMY: I understand.

RON JEREMY: It's funny, I turned down doing documentaries. I even said that in the press. I didn't not want to do it. I feel known in what I do and why be followed around like an idiot, put your private life on-screen and it doesn't help you get acting work. They always say in these reviews "Longs for mainstream acceptance". All right! I didn't hide that, yes, the documentary shows that--I could have concealed a lot of that, but I wanted to be honest, especially if you're doing a documentary. Scott even shot me when he wasn't supposed to shoot me, the little bastard. But I understand. They bought a synopsis I did, kind of like a verbal pitch, a movie about a serial killer and a social worker. A twisted romance where she makes an ultimate sacrifice to save him from jail and he sacrifices himself to get her out of jail. It was just a very interesting story that I enjoyed doing. A lot of big studios, no lie, Tristar looked at it, New Line--

RON JEREMY: A couple of years ago?/P>

CHRIS NEUMER: I was going to say, Tristar went out of business two years ago.

RON JEREMY: Yeah, two and a half, three years ago. In fact, the guy that worked there Ben, who helped me shop my synopsis around, now works for George Clooney at Section 8 or Masel Pictures. So anyway, these guys bought it for a good couple of grand--a few thousands dollars--and that kind of warmed me up to them. Then they pulled the old Jewish guilt, which is really horrible because I fall for it every time. Where they want me to do a documentary. I kept saying No Way. No way. All my director friends said don't do it, it won't help your career. No one got a job from doing E! Hollywood true stories, you know? Although I don't have any skeletons in the closet outside of the big whopper of porno movies. I don't have a history of drugs or alcohol or anything, I've lived fairly clean. So the Jewish guilt worked. They said, Ronnie, we did buy your script, you know. And, oh boy, they kind of hooked me. They seemed like nice guys?/P>

CHRIS NEUMER: Violins started playing?

RON JEREMY: They were right there so I said, "Fine, okay." We discussed it. There would be no time constraints. They would follow me around at a casual pace. I agreed.

RON JEREMY: I don't want to be shot--I couldn't make too many demands, once I agreed, I had to be a sport, I know how documentaries work. You can't tell them what to do and you can't get final edit. It's his movie. I'm the subject. But I did say one thing, "You can't watch me do a sex scene." You want to see a sex scenes? Look at the damn movies and get them. There's a thousand six hundred of them, get one of those. I'm not going to let you shoot me having sex. And then he snuck around and got me while I was trying to jerk in the corner. I know enough about cameras after so many years as an actor both in mainstream and adult films, I know how cameras work. I've even produced some music videos that MTV took and I know how they work. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the camera that's shooting me. I can't be aware of some other guy who's shooting me in different spots that I don't want to be seen in. He can zero in on a piece of my backside or a hair follicle on my shoulder, it's a little embarrassing. We know that I'm not the most physically breath taking fellow on this planet but when I was younger, I looked a lot better. I'm a little chunky, etc. etc. Still healthy and muscular, just chunky. Too much buffet. Actually, I'm not too heavy, I'm just vertically challenged. I'm like three feet too short. So I can keep track of one camera. I can't keep track of some guy who's going to walk around me in the back. I can't think about doing my sex scene and keep my erection worrying about some schmuck who's going to zoom in on a layer of flab, you know what I mean? Because I can suck it in when they shoot me from the front (takes a deep breath and shows me how he can suck in his stomach). There are certain tricks that help you.

RON JEREMY: Yes, sir. As scary as that is? No?actually I wasn't trying to suck in anything when Scott was filming me. There was one line at the beginning of the film when I even say, "I can't believe I'm letting you shoot me right now. I have no self-esteem." I hate my life. That was a bad moment. I was letting him shoot me at three in the morning, I needed a shave, my shirt was unbuttoned. People thought that's how I felt about my whole life. No, just at that moment. I mean, look at me, I'm sitting there?ugh. He was just shooting me and I couldn't move, I was dead, kind of like I am now. That was when I was doing the Bobbitt film. I did a lot of major media for that worldwide. Everyone in the world knew that John Bobbitt was making a porno film.

RON JEREMY: Yes.

RON JEREMY: Yes. Wednesday morning, 4 AM I'm on the phone with east coast press. Then eight o'clock I'm on the phone with English press. Ten o'clock in the morning I'm doing a visual addition to the DVD for Orgazmo; a couple of guys dressed as Mormons interview me. Then at two o'clock I have to go on The Weakest Link TV Show for the newsmaker special with a couple of the Survivor cast, the winners, Corey Fieldname, Gary Coleman, the guy Rick Rockwell who was the millionaire and the Mayflower Madam--it was a scandalous show--I did good by the way, I did real good.

RON JEREMY: I did really good for quite a while--I can't divulge how it ends though--but the thing is I made Annie laugh a couple of times. And I did The View with Barbara Walters.

RON JEREMY: So I did this Weakest Link. Then I had to go and do the Orgazmo audio track. I was supposed to introduce Method Man at the House of Blues at 9 o'clock--I was supposed to be on stage with them--blew it off, had to catch a flight to come here to be on Mancow in the Morning

RON JEREMY: No, we're not done yet. Then I had to leave after Mancow to do constant press for five hours during the day, leave at 5:15 AM to go to Indianapolis, get in a car for an hour and twenty minutes, do a comedy act in Muncie, Indiana--that's a great college town--it was in a rock and roll club, not a porno club or topless club.

RON JEREMY: Ball State. So I did that. And then from there I went to late at night until three in the morning--500 college kids stacked into a place that holds 350--it was packed. So then I get on a plane at 5:15 in the morning to get here by 6:15 in the morning to do Mancow. And now I'm here with you. And you wonder why I'm yawning.

RON JEREMY: It's funny. Somethings. The vast majority of my life--sorry, I'm changing positions so I don't fall asleep on you. I fell asleep on a writer yesterday. I'm sorry, but looked at my schedule. I'm in Indiana at three o'clock in the morning and I have to be on a plane by five so I can be here for Mancow. Now Mancow gave me two days in a row so we wanted to take advantage of that, the premiere is tonight. If it hadn't been for Mancow, I would have gotten in much later. So, things that are intimate, I don't like to divulge too much. But it's a documentary and even my current girlfriend went on camera. And Venice, my friend of 13 years went on camera. It's funny. If you do what I do for a living maybe you are like a window, that your life can be peered into. When you've had sex in front of people for so many years, I don't feel that I really have that much to be afraid of people knowing. I'm probably the only guy who if I ever got bugged, if the government ever got intrusive about bugging people's homes, I'd go so what? You'll hear me order a pizza?who's going to care? I have so little to hide from people these days, you know? My life's like an open book. I do treasure intimate moments with the girls I really care about; we go sailing together, we canoed down the Delaware River, we did that last summer, walk on a mountain top, hold hands, I'll do that. I don't want people knowing where I live, I do describe that it's a real fancy condo, I own a couple of them. But certain things I'd like to keep to myself, you know?

RON JEREMY: Yes, that's exactly what I would have. Yes. I was actually made an honorary member of TKO, you saw that in the movie.

RON JEREMY: Yes, I've done it before, I confess. Then I give the real answer, nine and three quarters inches. That's the true answer. They used to call me 10 in the news, but I'll take it. They used to call John 14, he was eleven and a half. Not that that's not huge--that's almost a foot.

RON JEREMY: Hah, hah, hah. That's not what you're girlfriend told me.

RON JEREMY: Keep in mind this though, there is a double standard in society. It's not a good thing, but it does exist. Men can often be more proud of what they do. And you know why we have it? Because parents raise their kids lop-sided. They teach the boys to go get it; they teach the girls 'don't you dare'. Porn is just a microcosm of the world itself in many ways. You can get the word 'microcosm' out of Hustler's Erotic Video Guide. So you have the guys who are honest about what they do and the girls often pretend, they think there will be an attitude from friends and family That's also why they get paid a lot more money.

RON JEREMY: Uh huh.

RON JEREMY: Yes, at least. An extra zero at the end usually. An average actor makes $30,000 a year, $40,000 a year. An actress can make between $300,000 and $400,000 a year, if they're a contract player.

RON JEREMY: It depends: the guys get paid by scene, the girls get paid by scene or by per month fee of the contract. A girl can make from $150,000 to a quarter of a million a year. Remember, you only get like $60,000 a year from a company like Metro.

RON JEREMY: It's standard. That's for 10 movies. That's not even a movie a month. That's like ten grand a scene. No, six grand a scene if there are 10 scenes. And then they do the personal appearances on the road and even the lowest ones make like $5,000 a week. And up to $18,000 a week. The upper level women make that, like Jenna Jameson. You work two weeks a month and that's $36,000 a month just off dancing. Then there's the Internet. The girl talks directly to the consumer. No middle man. Just her, her webmaster and the customer. Asia Carrera claims she makes $20,000 a month on her web-site. Danny Ashe, who never did porn, makes millions. You know, Danny's hard drive, so with web-sites, appearances and all these girls are making a quarter of a million dollars a year. In fact, your photographer here is thinking about changing careers right now. Isn't that right? (pauses) No, I'm kidding. The men make $300 a scene. And very few have web-sites because no one cares who the men are. You're not going to see a Vince Voyeur web-site. I have one because I've been doing this for so long people know me.

RON JEREMY: Well? Thank you. The truth of it is that the men don't matter much up front. The girls make the bigger money, but the men's careers can last longer. In the old days, only certain guys could do it. Now on Viagra, any guy can do it.

RON JEREMY: I don't take it, but a lot of guys do.

CHRIS NEUMER: Makes sense. Once you start taking it, I'd imagine you'd come to rely on it.

RON JEREMY: Yeah.

RON JEREMY: Before Viagra, the number one thing that Jim Harley says in the documentary "wood" You can't wait, waiting takes time, time costs money. For a guy to look at the pretty girl, without too much help from her fluffing you, you get a boner and do a scene. That was the most important number one thing. After that, looks matter. A guy has to look fairly clean. I'm always a character actor, the pizza delivery man, the older brother, which is always my big joke, why does the girl order pizza when she doesn't have the money to order it in the first place? "Well, sir, I'll just pay in trade!" The plumber, the older brother, the father, those are the kind of character parts I get. But the boys of today since--they look for nice looking clean cut guys. Not so much for the audience, the audience doesn't care, to them men are props, but for the girls they're working with. The actresses prefer younger cuter boys.

RON JEREMY: Right. They want to work with younger cuter boys. The majority of them will work me, only a few won't.

RON JEREMY: That's very flattering that you say that.

RON JEREMY: I know exactly where it comes from. Parents raising their sons to go get 'em, and raising their girl "don't you dare". That's where the double standard comes from. That's the upbringing. As their parents did unto them and their parents did unto them?You raise a bunch of horny boys--(to photographer) you have children?

PHOTOGRAPHER: A daughter.

RON JEREMY: Here's an example: would you want your daughter doing porn?

PHOTOGRAPHER: No.

RON JEREMY: If you had a son, it wouldn't be so scary a thought. You don't want him either, but?/P>

PHOTOGRAPHER: I guess he can do what he wants.

RON JEREMY: You see that? You're getting it right here with the first person I ask. Bingo, right on target. The boy, he can do whatever he wants, the girl, "Don't you dare". Same attitude about porn as socializing. If your daughter said that she wanted to have sex at the age of 16 or 17, you'd be pissed off.

PHOTOGRAPHER: She wouldn't do it.

RON JEREMY: But if a guy said it, you wouldn't care. Well, she's shrugging her shoulders, see?

RON JEREMY: None.

RON JEREMY: No, no, no. I would?(pauses) You'd like to think that you raised your kids a certain way. I know why I got into the business. I think I'd raise my kids, put them through college, none of the girls who are in porn have any college education and they're making more money than those who did. I'm not saying you're not going to make more money as a doctor or a lawyer, but I think if I had a daughter, I'd be putting her through school, she'll do the various things that she can do with her degree. She goes to be an RN let her be a damn nurse. She goes for political science, let her be a lawyer. Why waste all that tuition if she's going to want to be a porn actress? But, if she's eighteen, I can't really stop her, you know? If that's what she wants to do.

CHRIS NEUMER: So you just hope--

RON JEREMY: You guided her a certain way, and she'll make the right choice. That's all a parent can do.

RON JEREMY: I know. What's funny is that with my daughter, the odds are in her favor for me trying to talk her out of it. "Well, dad, you did it." So then I'm fucked.

RON JEREMY: You mean with money and three condos?

RON JEREMY: Trying to do mainstream movies? Don't let the movie fool you, I've done a lot of mainstream movies. They interviewed my sister three years ago when she says "he gets a lot of extra work". Oh! (groans). I cringe. I hate that part the most. I had parts in Boondock Saints, American Virgin, the TV show Nash Bridges, which they do show on CBS, Just Shoot Me, Studio 54, Charlie Sheen's The Chase, Rodney Dangerfield's Meet Wally Sparks, Detroit Rock City, Orgazmo?it goes on and on and on. I mean, I've had the kind of work that regular actors would like to do. It's not easy getting breaks. How do the actors get on Nash Bridges? CBS's non-comedic, hot TV show?that's since been canceled. I had a big part in that. I'm the guy who sees the killer and identifies him in the lineup. I've had some good parts, but the thing is from the documentary it seems like I've just tried to get parts or gotten little bit parts or B movies and, sure, there's plenty of that, but I've got some work in A films too.

RON JEREMY: I got axed out of Ronin. My name's in the credits as Hyatt. That's H-I-A-T-T. And also I was axed out of Reindeer Games.

RON JEREMY: Yes. Clearly, I want to get more mainstream roles. There's not very much to it: I want to get more and more mainstream work.

RON JEREMY: Because my whole life, I've wanted to be an actor. I got a BA in theatre, I got a BA in education. I taught theater in New Jersey. I've got a masters in special ed. I quit teaching to be an actor. I was acting in plays and school plays and high school plays--I was always the class clown--my mom had to get called out to the principal's office many times, the principal would be like, "Your son is bright but just get him to SHUT UP! He distracts from the other classmates, you know?" So I was always the entertainer. It's a typical profile for a middle child or an only child. I could give you reasons for why I was always a ham or the center of attention, we could dig deep and figure it out, but all I know is that I do it because I enjoy it. I've made money with it, I've entertained a large segment of the population, some people have enjoyed what I do, so it justifies itself. But the move to mainstream is also going to be seen by a greater audience. Women and children too. Not just the 18 and over crowd.

RON JEREMY: That too. And you feel better as an actor having sex and keeping your pants on.

RON JEREMY: IT IS! You're comparing Shakespearean soliloquies to "Here honey, eat this"? Yes the dialogue is very minimal in some of those films.

RON JEREMY: I'm not going to overcome the stigma for a long time. Traci Lords has been badmouthing porn and trying to get out of the stigma for years, using the same name, Traci Lords, but she can't breakout of it--you just can't. You'll say, "Traci Lords, former porn queen," and she hates that. Tough. You did it of your own free will, you're stuck with it. I'm stuck with it and she's stuck with it. I don't mind though, she does, that's the difference.

RON JEREMY: That's easy, I do it all the time. I let the hair grow, I'll shave real clean, almost every porno film I did I had the mustache. I shave the mustache and I'm almost unidentifiable.

RON JEREMY: Skull cap with blonde hair. I can change my look if I had to and I have had to.

RON JEREMY: Frankenheimer movies. Adam Rifkin had me shave the mustache for Without Charlie. (nods off)

CHRIS NEUMER: Man, I feel bad sitting here with you. I'm afraid you're going to keel over and knock yourself out on the table.

RON JEREMY: No one's ever let up on me. I enjoy this, I'm not going to complain, but they piggy back appearances with these gigs and they don't have to do that anymore. I have promoters who book me all over the country. Well, you saw, Grandpa Munster said, "He's the worst act in showbiz. He's not funny" my comedy act, "bad timing". I've done the comedy act for two years and it's been very successful. I packed the house last night in Muncie, Indiana. 500 kids showed up for a place that holds 350. I do well with it. The producers talked to my promoters and they figured, why don't we put Ron in the same cities at the same time so that we can save on airfare, so that they could ride on someone else's coattails. They publicize me being here for the premiere and you get promotionals for this market, so they keep piggybacking it. I told them that this was the last week I was doing this. I don't need to do both gigs. I can do one or the other. Either I'll come to Chicago and do a comedy show and go the fuck home, or I'll come here and do the promotional for the movie and go the fuck home. They also piggybacked me with an autograph session, for the adult film I have coming out on Metro home video. The press person for that is here in Chicago and then they booked me for that! Three separate jobs I have while I'm here. I'm sure Brad Pitt and George Clooney are promoting their movie, they have busy schedules, but the thing is they face it better. I just have to try to earn the money while I'm here. I'll do the promotionals for the movie and we'll do the rock and roll promotions like we always do. It's taking its toll on me. It's pretty unrealistic, isn't it? Starting at four o'clock in the morning on Wednesday--two days in a row I had to be here at five or six in the morning to be on Mancow's show. Where's my sleep?

RON JEREMY: Tomorrow I've got a comedy show in Fort Lauderdale, I'll sleep on the plane. Done. Sunday I fly back to LA and I don't have to work for a couple of days. Finally.

RON JEREMY: I'll appreciate that.

RON JEREMY: No, it's what I thought it was. It's exactly what I thought it was. It really is kind of fun--is the music interfering with your tape?

RON JEREMY: You sure?

RON JEREMY: Good background though. Hey everybody! What's black and comes in small white cans? Michael Jackson.

RON JEREMY: No, you bastard. I don't do ethnic jokes when I'm on stage. Although I will do Afghanistan jokes. This one is in there: how come in Afghanistan they don't teach driver's education and sex education on the same day? Too much wear and tear on the cattle.

RON JEREMY: Why, in Afghanistan, is the camel called the ship of the desert?

RON JEREMY: It's full of Arab se(a)men.

RON JEREMY: Guys always tell me to do gay movies, I tell them no self-respecting gay guy would go near me after seeing my ugly, hairy ass on the wide screen. I could go to the gay bars here in Chicago, yank down my trousers and say, "Come on, guys! I got something for you." They’d look at me and go, "We’re not that gay." Just say no to crack, I’d rather inhale anthrax. Then I go, speaking of anthrax, weren’t they once a band? They’re on tour this week