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Starring Wesley Snipes, Robert Deniro. ![[Photo]](/photos/fan1.jpg) I consider this not a movie review, but a public service announcement. If it were possible to somehow use the Emergency Broadcast Signal to alert the public not to see a film, this would be the one on which to use it. In plain language, that even my dog can understand, do not see The Fan. The method I use to write movie reviews is both logical and simple; after having screened a film, I turn on my computer and pound out some choice observations and witticisms, making some interesting points, and, on a good day, getting you to laugh. However, in a situation such as this, with a movie this stunningly bad, this option was not as viable. I knew that my prose would inevitably breakdown into a The Fan bashing session, where I would be more interested in listing all the inequities of this movie, than criticisms about the acting of Robert DeNiro and Wesley Snipes--who I continue to maintain only plays cops and baseball players--Tony Scott's style of direction, or Phoef Sutton's miserable screenplay about an obsessed fan, DeNiro, who stalks the San Francisco Giants new $40 million dollar player, Snipes. So instead of working to find some way around this, I worked with it, and will just list, in bulletpoint form, several of the problems I had with this most contrived of works. I say 'several' because if I touched on all the inadequate points in this picture, this review would be longer than any number of Stephen King books. And so I proceed: In the most appalling juxtaposition of scenes I have ever seen in a major motion picture, during the time it takes for a Giants player to circle the bases after hitting a home run, DeNiro has left Candlestick Park, found his car in the stadium parking lot, and driven to a business appointment some odd miles away. DeNiro, who is constantly preaching "team play" to his son and anyone else who happens to be listening to him, murders one of Snipes' teammates who was in the midst of a phenomenal season because DeNiro felt that teammate was contributing to Snipes' season long slump. You can't beat that "team play", can you? DeNiro finds Snipes' home, with a speed and accuracy that suggests the address may well have been listed in the white pages, and starts to spy on Snipes. During one of these long afternoons of stalking, DeNiro saves Snipes' son from drowning and begins to hang out with Snipes. Let me say succinctly, if it were this easy to find, and become fast friends with major league ball players, I wouldn't be writing movie reviews now, but hanging out with Mark Grace at his Wrigleyville home, drinking beer and playing pool. In an ending that somehow manages to make even the film Howard the Duck seem realistic, DeNiro kills the home plate umpire and assumes his place on the field during the middle of a game... and no one ever picks up on it. They didn't even try to get away with this in the Naked Gun! And while posing as the umpire, DeNiro kills John Kruk, a 300 pound ex-White Sox player, with a single stab wound to the shoulder. Oh, and then there's the whole thing with DeNiro kidnapping Snipes son and demanding that Snipes hit home runs as the ransom, DeNiro killing his childhood best friend because of a difference of opinion, and DeNiro, just coincidentally, being a knife salesman. Egad, was this bad. If just one person realizes that renting The Fan is the wrong decision to make, I'll feel as if this review was written for good. Please listen to me, send your money to Botswana, buy a Streetwise, or use it as kindling come winter, just don't waste it and spend it to see The Fan.
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![[Photo]](/photos/fan2.jpg)
On numerous occasions, DeNiro, calling in to a radio talkshow from his car phone, gets onto the radio, and begins speaking with Snipes some 20 seconds after he dialed the number. Imagine calling in to The Score and talking with the Monsters of the Midday a mere 20 seconds of time had elapsed.