News & Notes Inside the Week in Film

Bad TV!  Shame on you!  Go to your room!

Think TV programs are bad now?  Let’s walk down memory lane to a time period called the eighties.

by Chris Neumer

Researching a piece I’m writing on adapting eighties TV shows to feature films, I stumbled upon an interesting site that listed the top rated television programs for each season in the eighties.  I was agog at the number of laughably bad shows that earned great Nielsen’s Ratings during that decade.  Not only did Fred Dryer’s Hunter crack the top twenty during the eighties, but so did TV’s Bloopers & Practical Jokes, After MASH and some show called Chicken Soup.*  Can you imagine a scenario today where Hunter would be one of the most watched shows on television?

On second thought, don’t respond to that question.  If the answer came back ‘yes’, it would ruin most of the rest of my week.

There are some enjoyable, decent and highly rated shows that emerged from the eighties—Cheers, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Magnum P.I., Cagney & Lacey and Roseanne to mention only a few—but mostly what struck me was how bad everything was.  Then I saw the Nielsen ratings for the 1987-88 television season and was dumbfounded.  It was the unholy grail of bad television.  Consider that the following shows were in the top ten that year: A Different World, The Golden Girls, Growing Pains, Who’s the Boss, Night Court, Murder, She Wrote and ALF.  ALF!  Rounding out the second ten were L.A. Law, Matlock, Amen, the CBS Sunday Night Movie, My Two Dads and Valerie’s Family.  ALF did significantly better than did Monday Night Football, The Golden Girls placed well ahead of 60 Minutes and Night Court handily beat out Family Ties.

I’m not sure what it says when you realize that if CSI: Miami and According to Jim were on TV in the mid-eighties, they’d have been two of the most critically acclaimed programs airing.  No wonder I got so much studying done that year.

* Chicken Soup was an interesting case to be sure.  It premiered in September of 1989 and, according to Wikipedia, was pulled off the air in November of the same year because of low ratings and controversy surrounding its star, Jackie Mason.  Nonetheless, during its three month and twelve show run, Chicken Soup tied with Murder, She Wrote as the 13th most watched show of the 1989-90 season.  Suffice it to say, those must have been some really offensive comments Mason made to get TV execs enough fodder to yank the 13th highest rated show of the year off the air after just 12 episodes.  Either that, or ratings in the eighties were a little bit more competitive than anyone today can fathom.

 

And in other news, her pants have so much money in them they’re starting to fall down

Celebrity problems just don’t pack the same punch as everyone else’s problems.

by Chris Neumer

Actress Blake Lively has a keen finger on the pulse of America.  She knows that, in today’s economy, lots of people have problems.  She can relate to these problems because she’s got problems of her own.  Her show Gossip Girl is so popular and she has had so much success as an actress, she’s not sure if she is going to have time in her schedule to attend Stanford.

In an interview with Radiofree.com, Lively stated “[My career] hasn’t died down since the first season [of Gossip Girl]. It’s just got busier and crazier. And we shoot nine months out of the year.  You don’t have much time to yourself so there are lots of things I can’t do.”

In related news, Orlando Bloom is upset that he doesn’t know what it’s like to date a fat chick, Johnny Depp complains that he can’t leave his house because people have too much respect for him and Adrianna Lima thinks that she is too good looking.

In a sign of how strange Hollywood is, one of the aforementioned three instances is actually true.  Depp’s problem is one he has spoken of several times in different interviews.  He’s stated that fans have so much respect for him that it gets awkward for him… so he stays at home.

 

The The (Not that one)

Well, the mystery is solved.  We figured out what happened to the ‘the’ in the title of Fast and Furious… It was given to Wolverine.

by Chris Neumer

When the fourth installment of The Fast and The Furious series came out, a lot of people were slightly confused by its title, Fast and Furious.  Some people mistakenly thought it was a remake of the original and still others mistakenly thought it might have been a re-release; I just didn’t quite understand the logic of calling the film the same exact thing as the original, minus the ‘the’s.  You generally don’t want to promote confusion with titles, but, as evidenced by the film’s stellar box office, that is not a rule that is set in stone.

The producers of the latest film in the X-Men series seem to have been inspired by the article changing titling process in The Fast and the Furious series for the title of the upcoming Wolverine movie is: The Wolverine.

In 2000, the first X-Men movie hit theaters and was, rather rightfully so, titled X-Men.  Wolverine has always been the most popular of the X-Men characters and when Marvel Studios decided to start making X-Men origin tales, they began with Wolverine.  That film was called, again, rather rightfully so, Wolverine.  Based upon the success that Wolverine had, Marvel greenlit a second film about the character, this they decided to title, The Wolverine.

All I’m going to say is that there are going to be a lot of upset teenagers on Christmas morning 2014 when it becomes apparent that their unwitting aunts and uncles accidentally bought the Blu-ray for Wolverine instead of The Wolverine.  I’m just hoping that the title of the third film in the series is That Wolverine.

 

Performance Spotlight on:

Mark Holton in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

by Nick Schager

Looking like the long-lost third member of Lewis Carroll’s oversized duo Tweedledum and Tweedledee and sounding like a cross between Seinfeld’s Newman and Liberace, Francis (Mark Holton) is the quintessential spoiled brat. As Pee-Wee Herman’s spiteful nemesis in Tim Burton’s wonderfully deranged Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, he’s the snotty, over-privileged kid that everyone loves to hate.

With a self-satisfied smirk that says “My money makes me better than you,” Francis is the dastardly villain who, in a fit of jealous rage, covertly steals his neighbor Pee-Wee’s near-mythical fire engine-red bicycle, sending our hero on a cross-country trek in search of the beloved two-wheeler. But even before he commits this most heinous of crimes, Francis has turned us off by merely greeting Pee-Wee on the sidewalk with a snooty “Helloooo, Pee-Wee.” He’s an overstuffed weasel who’s apt to cry for his daddy at the first sign of trouble, and his arrogant and mean-spirited sense of entitlement immediately gets under our skin.

Holton’s performance is particularly memorable for one gloriously ignominious moment. In what is surely one of the cinema’s most satisfyingly silly scenes of comeuppance, Pee-Wee, in a supposed peacemaking gesture, gives the roly-poly pug and his debonair father some trick gum. As the two begin enjoying their treat, Holton–chomping away like an over-eager cow, oblivious to the black liquid pouring out of his infantile grin–captures the essence of Francis’ moronically unjustified egotism. In a film headlined by a strangely dressed man-child and brimming with ludicrously cartoonish characters, it’s a testament to Holton’s supremely repugnant characterization that he manages to steal this outrageous freak show from his carnivalesque co-stars.

The Photo of the Week

The Day After Tomorrow

 

The 5 Things I Learned This Week

Fascinatingly true things to broaden your mind

 

1) Ulysses Grant was given a $20 speeding ticket for riding his horse too fast down a Washington street.

2) According to Conway Twitty, ‘understandingness’ is a word.

3) Airplane tires are not filled with air. They are filled with inert nitrogen.

4) There is a song by Faith No More called “Jizzlobber”

5) I can fit an entire iPod ear bud into my nose.

 

 

This Week’s Stories

New Releases

2 Days in New York

THE PLAYERS: Starring Chris Rock, Julie Delpy, and Albert Delpy; written and directed by Julie Delpy;  Released by Magnolia. Rated R.

THE PLOT: A man’s life is rattled when his girlfriend’s French relatives come to visit.

THE SKINNY:
+ The film to which this is a sequel, 2 Days in Paris, was one of the most genuine, warm and interesting relationship films I’ve seen in a long time.
+/- The lead couple are named Marion and Mingus.
– I’m not sure how I feel about Chris Rock as a dramatic actor.  I know how I feel about Chris Rock as a comedic actor—he’s awful—and I know how I feel about Chris Rock as a stand up comedian—he’s simply superb—but I don’t know how I feel about him in dramatic roles.  My default assumption for Rock is that he’s always trying to be funny.  When I see him in dramatic roles, I always tend to think he’s about to launch into a monologue.  When he doesn’t, I’m surprised.  He might be a good dramatic actor, but I can’t focus on anything other than the fact that he isn’t being funny.  And for once, he’s not supposed to be.  It’s weird…
+ I love Julie Delpy’s sensibilities as a writer/director.  It’s easy to get lost in her stories and films because the characters ring true to real life. Gasp!  Consider her the polar opposite of Candice Bushnell.

YES, IT’S TRUE: The Statue of Liberty was originally gifted by the French to Egypt, but after realizing the country wouldn’t be able to obtain the finances to construct it, it was re-gifted to the United States.

Brave

THE PLAYERS: Starring Kelly Macdonald, Emma Thompson, and Billy Connolley; written by and directed by Mark Andrews and Brenda Chapman. Released by Disney Pixar. Rated PG.

THE PLOT: A Scottish princess accidentally curses her mother while trying to avoid choosing a prince to marry.

THE SKINNY:
+ Pixar.
– The child of royalty doesn’t like the customs of her country and wants to change them?  I may have seen this movie before.  Wait, every animated movie is about this?
+ Kelly Macdonald voices the lead and I like Kelly Macdonald.  Her voice and Scottish accent are delightfully pleasant and she adds a real charm and insouciance to the lead.
– You don’t have to squint very hard to begin wondering whether this entire movie was made to sell stuffed animals to little girls.
+ Major props to the writers for including a character named ‘MacGuffin’.  Who he is isn’t really that important; you might think he is, but he is merely around to help propel the lead forward.
– This film did not garner the major Pixar love that Up, Wall*E and Toy Story 3 received.  If Pixar mailed one in, it would probably look like Brave. (I’m sure there’s a Cars 2 joke in there somewhere).

YES, IT’S TRUE: The original title of the film was The Bear and the Bow.

Savages

THE PLAYERS: Starring Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Taylor Kitsch, and Blake Lively; written by Shane Salerno and Don Winslow; directed by Oliver Stone. Released by Universal.  Rated R.

THE PLOT: Two pot farmers take on a Mexican drug gang who kidnapped the girl they are both dating.

THE SKINNY:
+ Sex? Check.  Drugs?  Check.  Violence? Check.  Blake Lively?  Check.  Badass director?  Check.  Um, Benecio Del Toro?  Check.  Benecio Del Toro with a mustache?  Check.
+ Aaron Johnson (Kick-Ass) is going to be the new Joseph Gordon-Levett if his somewhat unorthodox personal life doesn’t get in the way.  (He is 22 and married to a 45-year old woman with whom he has two children; they started their relationship when he was 18 and she was 43.  That doesn’t sell in Iowa).
– Taylor Kitsch’s track record in 2012 isn’t exactly comforting.  Prior to Savages, he headlined John Carter and Battleship, two movies that cost roughly $500 million to make that grossed $140 million domestically.  (The two films also have suspiciously similar posters).
+ Over the course of the last 30 years, writer/director Oliver Stone has been one of the most consistently entertaining and competent directors at work in Hollywood.  With films like Platoon, Wall Street, JFK, Nixon, Any Given Sunday, W. and Natural Born Killers to his name (yes, I’m ignoring Alexander), Stone almost always delivers something worth watching.
+ Yes, Benecio Del Toro with a mustache.

YES, IT’S TRUE: There are over 200 slang terms for Marijuana.

The Watch

THE PLAYERS:  Starring Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and Jonah Hill; written by Jared Stern, Seth Rogen, and Evan Goldberg; directed by Akiva Schaffer.  Released by Fox.  Rated R.

THE PLOT: A neighborhood watch group protects earth from an alien invasion.

THE SKINNY:
– Since Wedding Crashers, Vince Vaughn has been the lead in the following films: The Break-Up, Fred Claus, Four Christmases, Couples Retreat and The Dilemma.  And that’s it.  I’m not cherry-picking; those are all the films’ he has been the lead in.  And they’re all ridiculously bad.
– I can’t accurately describe what this movie is about.  A lot of people seem to think it’s about a bumbling neighborhood watch group that somehow ends up saving the earth from alien invasion, but that doesn’t quite capture the slow pace and weird tangents that are taken in this film.
– This was not what Bruce Willis’ father smuggled out of Vietnam in his ass in Pulp Fiction.
– The aliens, which actually do exist, are bipedal and occasionally inhabit the bodies of people.  Their brains are located in their penises.
– This film was original put into production in 2008, where it languished for more than 3 years before filming starting.

YES, IT’S TRUE: At 6’5″, Vince Vaughn is 8 inches taller than Jonah Hill.

The New Releases were written by Chris Neumer and Kevin Withers